


The Burden of Nightmares

by shenala



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, POV Female Character, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 07:12:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16058129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenala/pseuds/shenala
Summary: Waking up to find Steve missing from the bed can only mean one thing: nightmaresThis is a tale of soothing insecurities, lifting burdens and gentle love between the reader, Steve and Bucky.#MoreThanAUniform





	The Burden of Nightmares

If you asked, most people would probably say that they expected Bucky to experience the most nightmares, that his history of being taken hostage, tortured and used against his will must mean that out of the two soldiers in your bed he would be the one waking in terror most often. 

They would be right, but also wrong. 

Because yes, Bucky is the one most likely to wake up in a cold sweat after tossing and turning and fighting the enemies in his mind. And yes, Bucky is the one whose nightmares wake you too. 

They're not as frequent or as violent as they once were but they still happen. How could they not?

But as Bucky is now able to sleep most nights without fearing what his mind is going to force him to relieve, he isn't the one who gets dragged into depths of fear and loss, he's not the soldier at your side who wakes breathlessly from the crushing weight of expectation that never leaves his shoulders, of the sheer burden of being who he is.

No, that's not Bucky. That's Steve.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You woke from the unusual chill as one side of your body was exposed to the night air while the other was pressed back into scorching skin, a metal arm providing a comforting weight secure around your waist. But you should've been wrapped in the hazy heat of two soldiers, but here you were with one missing. 

As soon as you started to inch your way out of Bucky's embrace his hold on you tightened as a quiet grumble escaped his lips with a hot breath against the back of your neck. "Ssh baby, I'm just going to get Steve" you soothed him and with a huff, he released his grip on you before snuggling back into the pillow.

Shivering now you were away from his warmth you grabbed Steve's jumper from a chair and pulled it on as you shuffled quietly out into the living room. 

You had known where you'd find Steve as soon as you noticed he was gone and sure enough there he was. Illuminated only by the light of the moon streaming through the window, he had his back to you as he gently moved his fingers across the keys of the piano you'd insisted on buying. 

Despite knowing he would be aware of your presence you tiptoed silently across the room until you reached him before draping your arms over his shoulders and bending to press a kiss to his cheek as he continued to play a soft melody. 

"Hey baby" you cooed quietly in his ear, "what are you doing up?" 

Turning his head just enough to whisper a kiss of his own against your jaw he shrugged before murmuring in reply, "Couldn't sleep. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to bed." 

Shaking your head in loving despair at the man in front of you, you moved to sit beside him on the bench and began to join his melody with a simple one of your own, both your hands and his moving in perfect sync in an unknown piece that neither of you knew the ending for.

After a few moments, you paused your playing and rested your head on his shoulder as he continued. "What are you playing?" you finally asked.

"Just something in my head" he replied with a small attempt of a smirk in your direction. 

"Come up with any words?" you pressed, already knowing the answer and having it confirmed as he nodded.

Without further prompting, Steve began to softly sing, barely raising his voice above a whisper but still loud enough to have every fibre of your being rejoicing at the sheer privilege of loving this man. 

_"I see them in the moonlight,_  
_her and him._  
_I feel them in the deep night,_  
_both of them._

_How can I, broken and lost, ever be enough for them to be safe?_ br /> _I failed him once, I lost him twice, how did we manage to trick the fates?_

_When I watch her, I feel like me._  
_When he holds me tight, I think I can be.._  
_something worthy_  
_of her and him.._

Trailing off quietly, Steve let his head droop forward as his fingers fell from the keys before a quiet sob escaped his lips, wrenching your heart in the process.

Turning on the bench you pulled him close to you and pressed tender kisses across his face, neck and hair as you murmured to him, "baby, I love you. We love you. Talk to me."

His face buried in the crook of your neck you felt his tears fall onto your own skin as he whispered, "I-- I know it was a dream but.." he paused as another sob broke out, "it started on the train with Buck, then the plane, New York, the Hellicarriers, all the usual" he breathed a short chuckle that lacked any hint of humour, "then it changed, I lost you. Both of you. I'm Captain America and I wasn't good enough to save you. I feel like I'm drowning and it's still not enough" he ground out through gritted teeth.

Pulling back so you could see his face you hooked a finger under his chin to raise his eyes to meet yours, "Hey Stevie, look at me" waiting until his tear-stained ocean depths flickered upwards before you continued, "if I could take the nightmares away from you, I'd do it in a heartbeat; a Bucky heartbeat because his are much quicker than mine" you added with a smile. "But the rest? Honey, that's not going to happen. Neither of us are going anywhere. Ever. You wanna know why?"

After waiting for him to nod cautiously, you intertwined your fingers with his before you spoke again, "Because maybe you're right, maybe Captain America isn't good enough to do all that. But.." you hurried on as his forehead creased in a frown, "you are so much more than a title and a shield. You're Steve Rogers. Cap is only a tiny slice of you sweetheart, and he only exists because of who you already were; the best man I know with the biggest heart you could ever find."

Leaning forward to press your forehead to his you smoothed a soft kiss to the tip of his nose, "It's no surprise you're feeling overwhelmed Steve, anyone in your position would. The difference is that anyone else would've thrown themselves off the nearest bridge because you're carrying so much more than any one person should ever have to. But I'll tell you a secret; I don't care what the rest of the world wants from Captain America. I care about what Steven Grant Rogers wants from the world. So I'm going to give you the orders this time" you paused to giggle as he raised a curious eyebrow, "we're going to take 2 weeks away, just the 3 of us, no work, no news, nothing. Just us. Ok?"

After giving you a small nod in reply, Steve looked at you with a nervous smile playing at the corner of his lips as he asked, "Do you really think I can do it? Leave Cap behind when I walk in the door?" 

Raising one hand to caress his cheek you smiled lovingly at him in response, "Steve, you already do. You're not Cap when you're with us. You just haven't quite accepted that yet. But you will." 

"Alright" he nodded, the smile growing a little bigger.

Standing and reaching to him to pull him up with you, you tugged him back towards the bedroom with a sly grin, "come on mister, there's someone getting lonely in bed."

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Usually, you slept in the middle of the two men but this time you gestured to Steve to get in first and Bucky immediately pulled him tightly into his chest as you crawled in last. 

Curling up close to Steve's side he wrapped his arms around you, mirroring Bucky's own hold on him, before the brunette whispered just loudly enough for you to hear with your non-enhanced hearing, "Stevie. We love you. You can't get rid of us that easily punk. And I'm making a new rule."

Breathing a soft laugh against your neck, Steve questioned, "Oh yeah Buck? What's that?" 

"The shield stays in the closet. I keep stubbing my toe on it, it keeps you on edge and it really doesn't go with the decor" Bucky replied, ending with a sleepy yawn. 

"Ok" Steve agreed softly, "it stays in the closet. I'm more than a uniform." His final comment sounded more like a question than a statement and you were quick to pick up on it, "yes Stevie, so much more" you assured him as Bucky pressed kisses to the back of his neck in agreement. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So yes, Bucky was the one most likely to wake up panting from a nightmare, but that didn't mean he had more of them than Steve.

Maybe it was because Bucky had a physical representation of his horrors that people expected it of him and not of Steve, but in reality, how could either of them not be haunted by images from their past? Lesser mortals would've collapsed to their knees at the mere prospect of facing what those two had endured.

It got better though, just as it had with Buck. Steve's dreams became less about trains and planes and of lovers unable to recognise him or of them being impossible to save, just as Bucky's had become less of falls and ice and of faces he'd never forget. 

They'd never be gone for good, some nights were simply always going to be worse than others, but it was better. 

The shield stayed in the closet when Steve was home and Cap stayed in there with it. Always present, always a part of him and of your life together, but now as a reassuring presence rather than an oppressing one.

You took those couple of weeks away, went to a private island where nothing and no-one could bother you (thanks Tony) and spent your days doing mostly nothing. No guilt, no boredom, just the three of you. Together and at peace.


End file.
